Sunday, March 08, 2009

Where'd You Go?

I've had a pretty hard time of it lately. The world is fuzzy. The things that I'm required to do go by in a blur and my thoughts are erratic. During this times, I usually depend on my spirit to latch onto God and let Him lead me through. Yet that part of me has been the most confused. Even now, I know what I want to say and to write, and I remember the experience that I had this morning, but the words aren't coming the way that I expected. That makes me so entirely frustrated.

The way that I generally work is to believe and pray for something wholeheartedly. I get worked up and focused on it, and I can hold on for a good long time even when it seems like I'm not going to receive that thing. And by "thing," I don't completely mean something material. It's generally not- unless it's something I really need (like when I didn't have a car, or right now when we REALLY need to get our own house). I can always find the tiniest pocket of faith to carry me forward just a little bit longer.

But sometimes, like lately, I get to this place where belief for something doesn't work anymore. It doesn't fulfill, it doesn't give life. It just allows for survival. Which, to be honest, doesn't make my life as a Christian look that great to anyone else. Even to me. Whoohoo, look at me! I can hang on through hard times! Um, yeah, plenty of people do that Kayla, BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO.

Someone recently asked me what would make me happy. My only response was to wail, "I DON'T KNOW!" That made Pastor Chuck's sermon really hit hard this morning. He talked about God asking us what we wanted. Would we say, "You!" or would be give a big list of things that we wanted to have or needed to happen for our happiness?

Ouch. I realized that the times when I am the happiest, the most fulfilled, are when I'm learning who God is and how He is manifesting Himself to me. It's not when I have extra money or when everyone is nice and supportive of my dreams and goals. It's when I'm so overwhelmed and overjoyed by His presence that every area of trouble, defeat or lack seems completely laughable. It's not that I don't notice those things, it's just that the magnitude of them is greatly diminished in the light of God.

I really want to find Him again. He didn't leave, but I got lost.

1 comment:

Elisse said...

I totally understand and support and appreciate and identify with what you're saying. *hugs* I love you! I will be praying for you and I so much admire your faith and tenacity and your big, open heart for God. *mwah*